I’m Getting Old – Expect Expletives!

When I was six I was thrown from a horse for the first time and didn’t even get a scratch. When I was sixteen I was all district defensive tackle and never so much as sprained an ankle. When I was twenty-six, I boxed three men in one night and only got a pill sized bruise on the side of my nose. At 36 I flipped my motorcycle, bent the bars back into place with my bare hands, and then road 8 hours back home. Thursday I will turn 46. This morning I bent over and my back went out for absolutely no F*&%ing reason… I don’t have words for how old I feel.

You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.

George Burns

I currently have tendinitis that I am pretty sure was caused by my 32oz Yeti Cup (sad but true). All last week I had a pulled muscle just under my shoulder blade from sleeping wrong. That’s right, I hurt myself lying in bed where most people go to recover from injuries. Now my lower back is out from a freak shoe tying injury. I don’t really consider 46 old but in the words of Indian Jones, “It ain’t the years, it’s the mileage.”

Well no point complaining about my aches… if my co-workers are any indication, none of you want to stay in the room while I cry either.

Moving On:

I’m due for a midlife crisis but I got a great wife, a new truck, and I don’t care what color my hair turns as long as it doesn’t turn loose. Just the same, I’m a work in progress and could use a change.

Most people I know don’t make New Year’s Resolutions… apparently everyone around me is F^&%ing perfect.

I actually take stock of my life three times a year. New Year’s, Lent, and my birthday. While I’m too afraid of God to break Lent, I break 70% of my other resolutions on regular basis but a man’s reach should exceed his grasp. Besides, in a glass is half full sort of way, I improve myself 30% of the time.

Birthdays are a great time to re-evaluate your life and make improvements. In the words of Mary Theresa Schmich, “The race is long and in the end it is only with yourself.” So here are my goals for this next 12 months.

• Kayak the 2,348 mile length of the Mississippi River
• Write a best selling novel
• Open a bed and breakfast
• Patent an Invention
• Learn French
• Kill a bear and have sex on it’s tanned pelt!

Just kidding… Let’s reel that sh!t in a bit, shall we?

• Get a better job.
• Increase my beehives to 100
• Build/Grow a raised bed garden
• Start a YouTube channel
• Remodel my house
• Loose 50 pounds

Not an amazing list but obtainable… let’s face it, when your back is out, you don’t make Mt Everest type resolutions.

Well friends, I’ll wrap it up there. It’s been 4 hours since I took my last dose of Ibuprofen, so that means its time for me to go hide in the bathroom and have a cry. Tune in next week for my consumer’s report on the best old people’s ointments to mix with red wine.